sea lions and bondage

My first experience with Skype was an interesting one. The voice I spoke to had an odd metallic twang about it, giving my friend the appearance of one of those semi-sexy computer voices in Science Fiction movies letting the hero know: “Enemies. Approaching.” Or: “No longer. Listening.” Or even: “Going. For a. Smoke.” So it always seemed a little bit like talking to a non-human entity, which was kind of exciting until it would randomly disconnect, leaving me crouched in my tiny kitchen (because I don’t want to wake up my boyfriend in the other room) with an odd assortment of furniture, in the middle of the night, whispering something no one can hear anymore like, “…my co-worker keeps giving me the crazy-eye!” and feeling slightly unhinged.

I just want to give readers a clear view of my mental state when I did this next bit. (And seriously – the unpleasant sensation of suddenly realizing that you’re talking to yourself in less than ideal conditions* is akin to looking and looking for that thing you saw just yesterday, and remembering you last saw it on Ebay next to a set of taupe oven-mitts** today.)

So after a couple of random disconnects and re-dials, I find myself in a conversation in which my computer-voice-friend is telling me about the sea lions she saw the other day. I google sea lions just to be sure we’re talking about the same animal, and end up on the Wikipedia page for these adorable animals (we were).

Maybe it was the computer’s fault for going on about sea lions for longer than I could possibly be interested, or maybe it was mine for thinking the scenario mentioned in the first paragraph could lead to anything other than a further loss of grip on reality, but whatever the case, I found myself thinking, I wonder if I could get from Sea Lions to, like, BDSM by following related links on Wikipedia.

The answer was, of course, yes. Yes, I could. But the real question was how many links it would take. Place your bets now.

Annnnnd done. All bets should now be in.

The answer is fifteen. Notice how to be fair I wrote out the number and included it in part of a larger paragraph so your eye couldn’t automatically catch it while being asked to place your bets?*** I aim to please, I aim to please. And what would really please is to know the path I took to get there, right?**** So here it is:

SEA LIONS

- TROPICS
- WINTER
- JACK FROST
- HOGFATHER
- SUSAN STO HELIT
- PROTAGONIST
- THEATRE OF ANCIENT GREECE (because I thought Ancient Greece: there’s plenty of sex there, right?)
- CLASSICAL GREECE (Wrong. Not according to Wikipedia. I had to keep trying.)
- ALEXANDER THE GREAT
- CULTURAL DEPICTIONS OF ALEXANDER THE GREAT
- ALEXANDER (film) (Because I was reaching now, desperate to kind a link between sea lions and bondage. The computer had moved on to more interesting topics at this point, I’m sure, or hell, maybe I was talking at this point, but the chase continued…)
- SEX IN FILM
- PORNOGRAPHIC FILM
- LIST OF PORNOGRAPHIC SUB-GENRES

BDSM


And you know? The quest seems kind of empty in retrospect, like there’s still more to life I haven’t figured out. More than fun with Wikipedia and Blogs and talking to my laptop. More than figuring out how many of the 26 items I blogged about last time made it into this post. (There were 5, but anyone who placed bets gets to win for simply reading the footnotes as they came up and knowing about this exciting, one-time offer fake betting opportunity!)

… I’m going to bed.




*Are there ideal conditions in which to talk to oneself? I don’t know. Despite everything about me, I don’t really engage in this harmlessly deranged behaviour. Really.

**Did this really happen to me? You don’t know!

***Not real bets. I ask for bets to make the narrative sound more exciting. Though there will be another opportunity to place bets on a number later in this blog post. Place bets on that number… NOW!

****Or to know I’m locked in a room with soft walls? No such luck, I’m afraid. I’m still here in my tiny kitchen in the middle of the night writing a blog post about sea lions and bondage.

for Nika, because I take requests

I've had a blog post requested. It's from one of my three readers, and since I would like to cater to my fans, I'll do it. I'm a little bit out of ideas at the moment, but google still solves everything, and has inspired this post. I shall merely go through the alphabet with google, and you, dear readers, will get my opinion on each item that comes up when I type in a single letter.

A) Air Canada: Picking airlines is always so difficult. Which is cheaper? Which flight has fewer connections? If I leave on a Monday, can I extend my trip a day? Is the alcohol included? Don't bother. Each and every airline will eventually screw you out of several thousand dollars and a few days of your life. You will miss a connection and have your luggage lost with all of them. Why not fly Air Canada?

B) BMO: This is a bank. Like airlines, banks will generally screw you, too. I'm not with BMO, but I'm sure they also have hidden fees. I hope C is better.

C) Canadian Tire: Not really. I have fond memories of going here with my dad when I was a kid. My sister and I would run through the aisles. Later in life, we bought an inflatable kiddie tub from this store which we then filled with jello and had people wrestle in during a memorable party. The pool held out.

on blogging

I like several blogs. I will visit them and laugh, and sometimes laugh some more. Some blogs I visit for the information they provide, but this is rare.

I know I've been terrible with this blog. Apologies to my reader. From now on I resolve to blog bigger and better. As a gesture of good faith to begin blogging better, I leave you kind reader with this limerick:

I'd cut up my blogspot with scizzors,
If only to make you consider,
How useless blogs are
(Have they got us far?)
I say we all defect to Twitter.

liquor and a karaoke machine

So my friend walks into my house today with the words, "I have liquor and a karaoke machine. What more do you need to be happy?" She looks at me expectantly. I had no argument, obviously.

This is day two? Three? Of having this blog. What do people write in blogs? What is the point of having a blog? I suppose I could write angsty poetry about blood and being misunderstood, but I'd hate to be predictable. Because there is that stigma, isn't there? That blogs are for the undeservedly angsty (and those who cannot be bothered to capitalize "I" - ever notice that?). I mentioned to someone that I had acquired a blog and he began to back away slowly. I think this is because of the blog reputation.

And yet, out of the many blogs I follow (no, I will not publicly admit this number, are you serious), none of them constantly whine or complain. In fact, most of them seem like they're written by pretty happy individuals. I mean, sure, we all have problems and need to vent occasionally, sometimes using the words "blood" and "shattered", but I will not do that here. That doesn't solve the problem about what I *will* write about, but I do promise to keep the angst to a minimum.

After all, I have liquor and a karaoke machine.