sea lions and bondage

My first experience with Skype was an interesting one. The voice I spoke to had an odd metallic twang about it, giving my friend the appearance of one of those semi-sexy computer voices in Science Fiction movies letting the hero know: “Enemies. Approaching.” Or: “No longer. Listening.” Or even: “Going. For a. Smoke.” So it always seemed a little bit like talking to a non-human entity, which was kind of exciting until it would randomly disconnect, leaving me crouched in my tiny kitchen (because I don’t want to wake up my boyfriend in the other room) with an odd assortment of furniture, in the middle of the night, whispering something no one can hear anymore like, “…my co-worker keeps giving me the crazy-eye!” and feeling slightly unhinged.

I just want to give readers a clear view of my mental state when I did this next bit. (And seriously – the unpleasant sensation of suddenly realizing that you’re talking to yourself in less than ideal conditions* is akin to looking and looking for that thing you saw just yesterday, and remembering you last saw it on Ebay next to a set of taupe oven-mitts** today.)

So after a couple of random disconnects and re-dials, I find myself in a conversation in which my computer-voice-friend is telling me about the sea lions she saw the other day. I google sea lions just to be sure we’re talking about the same animal, and end up on the Wikipedia page for these adorable animals (we were).

Maybe it was the computer’s fault for going on about sea lions for longer than I could possibly be interested, or maybe it was mine for thinking the scenario mentioned in the first paragraph could lead to anything other than a further loss of grip on reality, but whatever the case, I found myself thinking, I wonder if I could get from Sea Lions to, like, BDSM by following related links on Wikipedia.

The answer was, of course, yes. Yes, I could. But the real question was how many links it would take. Place your bets now.

Annnnnd done. All bets should now be in.

The answer is fifteen. Notice how to be fair I wrote out the number and included it in part of a larger paragraph so your eye couldn’t automatically catch it while being asked to place your bets?*** I aim to please, I aim to please. And what would really please is to know the path I took to get there, right?**** So here it is:

SEA LIONS

- TROPICS
- WINTER
- JACK FROST
- HOGFATHER
- SUSAN STO HELIT
- PROTAGONIST
- THEATRE OF ANCIENT GREECE (because I thought Ancient Greece: there’s plenty of sex there, right?)
- CLASSICAL GREECE (Wrong. Not according to Wikipedia. I had to keep trying.)
- ALEXANDER THE GREAT
- CULTURAL DEPICTIONS OF ALEXANDER THE GREAT
- ALEXANDER (film) (Because I was reaching now, desperate to kind a link between sea lions and bondage. The computer had moved on to more interesting topics at this point, I’m sure, or hell, maybe I was talking at this point, but the chase continued…)
- SEX IN FILM
- PORNOGRAPHIC FILM
- LIST OF PORNOGRAPHIC SUB-GENRES

BDSM


And you know? The quest seems kind of empty in retrospect, like there’s still more to life I haven’t figured out. More than fun with Wikipedia and Blogs and talking to my laptop. More than figuring out how many of the 26 items I blogged about last time made it into this post. (There were 5, but anyone who placed bets gets to win for simply reading the footnotes as they came up and knowing about this exciting, one-time offer fake betting opportunity!)

… I’m going to bed.




*Are there ideal conditions in which to talk to oneself? I don’t know. Despite everything about me, I don’t really engage in this harmlessly deranged behaviour. Really.

**Did this really happen to me? You don’t know!

***Not real bets. I ask for bets to make the narrative sound more exciting. Though there will be another opportunity to place bets on a number later in this blog post. Place bets on that number… NOW!

****Or to know I’m locked in a room with soft walls? No such luck, I’m afraid. I’m still here in my tiny kitchen in the middle of the night writing a blog post about sea lions and bondage.